Spring has Sprung!

They're back.
And as I peel myself away from this temporary heaven,
Filled with cotton and goose down feathers,
I hear them.
Twittering away,
A reunion like no other.
Time spent apart and distanced from one another,
To come back and gossip about where they were this time.

The day unfolds like any other,
But this time,
Something new wraps itself around each thing.
A whisper of new beginnings, fresh starts.
The old has vanished,
It came falling to the ground in open gestures of defeat.

Now, I see them,
Dancing lazily in the wisps of a warm breeze.
Entranced by their hypnotizing rhythms,
I long to stop and sit a spell.
A deep breath, a lengthy pause.

Vibrant colours,
One set against the other in clear contrast.
Hear the breaking of hardened hearts,
See the thaw that brings them life.
A world reawakened from the depths of despair.

The picture darkens,
Slowly growing dimmer.
Nothing remains but the soft twitters of goodnight.
I hear them one by one,
Slowly retreat, though desperate for a new day to start again.
And I find myself desperate for the same.

Time Goes so Slowly and Change Comes so Fast

There's a friendship that plays in my mind from time to time. So many people weave in and out of your life, some at lightning speed and others as the season that you're in moves forward. I think the worst, though, are the fadeouts. Those slow, painful deaths of a friendship.

When I was a kid, there was a friendship that budded from an uncharacteristic place. It began on a soccer field, on opposing teams where we bumped, pushed and got angry with one another. I remember thinking she was so incredibly annoying. But it truly began when my parents divorced and my sixth grade teacher thought I could use a friend who'd gone through the same thing. Little did we realize who we'd be introduced to that day.

Out of the mess of two eleven year olds lives came a beautiful, natural, kindred-spirits friendship. Something I've never had before and have yet to have again. Our similarities and differences bonded us together in a way like no other. We created our own little world of sleepovers and singing and writing and adventures. No one else, other than my husband, has ever understood me so completely.

But as time went on, we both began to change. Pulled apart to different high schools, we felt the need to be accepted and noticed and all the teenage drama that comes from getting older, slowly began to unravel our beautiful friendship. Although it still continued it was only a very small fragment of what it used to be. Almost a ghost-like appearance of what two young girls had magically created for themselves in a world of rapid change. 

I think now, our outward personalities are so different from one another. I almost don't recognize either of us when I see how we are to others from the outside. But at the core of our real selves, I think we're still those same two kids. The ones that would go hiking through the snow, who found inverted footprints and freaked out over the walkie-talkie to a family member who claimed they were behind us and ready to ambush with a pelting of snowballs. The girls who rode bareback through the pasture, only to have the darn horse head straight for the bushes and ended up in a tangled mess of kicking and screaming. The ones who would hide in the hay-shed and sing and harmonize for hours until the sun would slowly start to hang in the sky. Who would sing on nature hikes, in competitions... pretty much just sing together period. There were sleepovers filled with movies and laugh-til-your-sides-ache silliness and late night chats about the things that meant the most to us, knowing that our secrets were safe. I could think of a million more unique memories like those, but you'd lose half a year just hearing them. Poetry contests about a two trees that intertwined and making it past the first few rounds. Writing a journal about how we met and our adventures, calling ourselves the "dynamic duo." We were dorks. But those are some of the best memories I've ever had. 

There were so many things that bound us together in our friendship, but overall, I really think it was this beautiful thing of being our true selves with one another. No pretenses, no falsities. Our God-made personalities at their fullest innocence and truth. 

I think that's why I've had a hard time letting this friendship go. Over the years, problems came and went, some big, others small, but eventually the friendship faded that slow death. We became strangers. The friendships I've had since that sixth grade meeting have been wonderful. But no friendship has even come slightly close to this one. I've never allowed my true self to fully shine since then. and what a terribly sad thing that is to realize and admit.

But when my life seems to change and morph at intense speeds, the honesty of this friendship somehow ends up grounding me, even now. Even without that closeness today, the reminder of what was and the revelation of my own true self at that time, helps me see the good in changes and even friendships that start out strangely. My next kindred-spirit friendship could still start on a soccer field, angrily wishing that other girl would get out of my way and let me do my thing. Who knows.  

debby downer vs. a buttload of rainbows

Sometimes I don't understand Christians. There, I said it. I just don't get them. I mean, I love them, I am one, but I just don't get them. I don't understand the Christian mentality of this extreme emotional living. Why do we have to either be on the highest mountain top or about to jump off the nearest bridge? Where are the normal, everyday, mundane emotions that take up 80% of our day to day lives?

I was at a chapel service at my school this past week. It's the first one since the new year began and the girl running the show kept saying how 2012 was a year to have great hope and a time to look forward to better things. That 2011 and all the burdens that came with it, was over. Time to move on.

I kind of sat there wondering, "What about the people who had a great 2011? Or... an average 2011?" Why do we, as Christians, constantly feel this need to look to the future? We think that the future will be better and that God will have so much more in store for us later down the road. Why? What if the future brings horrible, terrible things? What's so wrong with the past, or even the present? 

I think there's so much beauty in the present moment. Even today. Today I did nothing but sleep in, play games with my hubby, laughed and studied. Not my most incredible, best day ever and not my worst. Just a normal, every day kind of day. I could look forward to tomorrow hoping that tomorrow will be even better then today. I could look at yesterday and compare what this day held that the other didn't. But why? Why lose the preciousness of today by comparing and hoping and never enjoying or doing? 

It seems like it has to be all or nothing. That we have to be extremely exuberant or ready to slit our wrists. Most days I feel... normal. But the beauty in even feeling normal and having an ordinary day, is that God is in those moments of the ordinary. He made those moments of the ordinary for people to relax in and enjoy without feeling like they're on a emotional roller coaster. Why is it so hard to enjoy that?

I find it hard to worship God when I'm brought into this mentality. I think it limits Him in a way that maybe isn't very obvious. It's like we're saying that God only means something when He's gotten us to the highest heights or is saving us from the darkest depths. For the majority of your life you will feel neutral. Where does God fit into that neutrality? I find it hard to sing songs to God with lyrics like this. I want to sing a song that describes that feeling of enjoying and loving God even in my so-so moments. That's real. That's reality. Or I'd rather sing songs that just repeat "Holy, holy, holy" over and over again. Words that have nothing to do with my emotions, my day, my life... but rather of who God is, what He's about and why I'm learning everyday to fall in love with Him.

Now that's something to sing about, something to look forward to. 

Sources of validation

I heard a few lines about this verse in Philippians the other day, referring to validation:

"We rely on what Jesus Christ has done for us and not on human effort" (3:3).

I think everyone can relate to this at one point in time or another. The need for validation comes in all shapes and forms and can mean something significant or be as insignificant as the desire to feel prideful about oneself.

It didn't really hit me until I heard this how much I rely on validation from others to mark out my worthiness. How successful I am at things, how I look, aspects about my personality, how well I do in school, how my marriage looks to other people. The list goes on. Whether as a conscious effort or unconscious, I strive to meet and exceed expectations not for the sake of meeting a goal, but for the attention and validation I receive from others who notice. For so long I've held this as my plumb line to measure my worthiness as a person and every time someone failed to notice to my hard works and natural abilities, I would sink into this hole of utter despair and confusion. Am I unnoticeable? Do I not deserve other people's attention? Why didn't that stand out, why did I not receive a compliment on that, why do people tend to forget about this and that?

Looking back I can see how my ups and downs reflected when I was praised and when I was criticized or unseen. I put all of my worthiness into the hands of those who have issues of there own, some being the very same issue. I gave my measuring stick to the very people who are fallen, like me. Why do I do that when the One who made me wants me to find validation and comfort and assuredness in Him? One who not only wants me to find those things about myself in Him but wants me to know and enjoy that fact that my worthiness needs only to be measured by God's plumb line, not my own or others.

It's interesting to see how many people have troubles with this, whether they realize it or not. I handed a philosophy paper to my dad the other day to show him the 'A' I received on it, wanting to get that validation. Only instead, I found that my need for validation revealed his need for validation as well. Instead of the praise I was waiting for, I received criticism for the little things that might have been overlooked like a grammar or spelling mistake. Instead of that praise, he persisted to claim how good he was for finding those things and other things along those lines. My heart dropped and I fell into that big opening of despair all over again.

I can't allow myself to put so much expectancy on other people to decide my worthiness, as they will never be able to truly deliver all that my heart desires. Only God can reveal to me my worthiness in Him and make my heart content at all times. If I put that expectancy on people, my entire day, week, year, life will revolve constantly around what other people think of me and all that I do. I won't be living for myself or for God, but for people. Maybe even some people I barely know. What kind of life is that?

Here's another verse that applies to this that's been on my heart this past few weeks: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man" (Psalm 118:8).

Procrastinating is way better than homework

Right now I should be studying for my exams, but I think I'll linger more on the things I'd much rather do than learning about Aristotle and Boethius. Pee you. Sometimes you need to step back from the muddle of confusing words, wrapped up in deeper meaning and enlightenment and just kick back for a few hours...

I think my mind has actually turned into mush these past few days. The words streamed off the paper into my mind and got lost in there somehow. Working their way around my brain and squeezing it until it begged for mercy. They refused to listen though and now my brain has resulted into the melt down option so that it can feel a little looser and not shut down completely. So, now I'm here, late at night, wishing I had more motivation to learn and relearn everything I've already learned so that I will do well on the exams that will be taking up my life for the next week. Trapped in this little room with windows that overlook the side of the house, revealing the beautiful things that philosophers have quandaries about. Trees frosted with fresh snow, birds flitting from branch to branch with a sky so blue and full of white fluffy clouds and the sound of the lake's waves crashing on the sand, pushing the wind along with it. Sigh. I'd much rather be out there.

Philosophy's overrated anyway.

a new perspective

Lately, I'm becoming an all-seasons-weather-lover. it's kind of like being a tree hugger but you don't have to dress like a hippie.

I don't know how it happened but one day I started seeing the good in even the worst of weather. snow storms brought on by winter were no longer meddlesome to my plans but instead an invitation to curl up with a blanket and book and relax the day away. summer thunderstorms knocked out the power but proved to be a light show of major proportions in other ways. allowing people to step away from the electronics and play charades and games by candlelight. and that's just the beginning. I could listen to rain tapping at my window all day long in the spring -- it makes me want to take a nap. which, if you know me is huge because I could not nap to save my life. I love watching the light coming from a full moon on a clear night and seeing it light up the night and cast shadows that I thought only the daytime could manage. I swear even the stars seem brighter when it's a full moon.

from snow to rain to sunshine, winter, spring to fall, I'm starting to see the beauty of variety God created for me to revel in. I hear so many people say they wish summer weather was year round and to be honest, sitting under the sun in a hammock sounds incredible, but now I see how much I would be missing out on if I were to wish the other months away.

today confirmed that for me again. I ventured out with my husband and brother into the snowy depths of my mum's backyard. wrapped up in garbage bags to act like snow pants and pushed our way through the snow that came up to our knees and made forts and snow angels and tackled each other to the ground. if it wasn't winter, and if I possessed snow pants, there would have been no need for me to parade around in the garbage bag cutouts my brother and I hysterically taped together to keep me from getting cold. sometimes you need different types of weather to make different kind of memories and let's face it... to make it fun :)

let's see a show

There's something I've come to love about going to the movies. It's not the massive amounts of popcorn you see people carrying or the buttload of germs in every chair, or even the way your feet stick to the floor when you're trying to find a seat. There's something about watching a movie with a throng of complete strangers that I absolutely love.

I first noticed it when I was in Washington D.C. on my fantastic road trip across the states. Nick and I had decided to see Julia & Julia on a night out and found this sweet little theatre tucked away from everything else. We all piled into our seats and before we knew it we were laughing and crying and holding our breath all at the same time. Half way through, I realized what was happening. We were all experiencing the movie together at the same time. Reacting the same, maybe even thinking the same. After that I stopped watching the movie and starting watching the reactions of people I had never met before. I found it so refreshing and unifying to look left and see friends giggling to each other about one scene and looking right to see an elderly couple doing the same.

There may have been times in the past where I wanted to laugh until my sides begged me to stop, but felt shy at the thought of being the only one laughing in the theatre. But that night out was an awakening of what going to the movies could really be about. I left that theatre feeling connected with everyone that was there. We spilled out of the doors all laughing and recalling our favourite scenes and hearing other people wonder the same things you were wondering throughout the whole movie.

The same thing happened this week when Nick and I went to the movies. I found myself forgetful of this earlier experience from last summer and was happy to have it grace my life once again. Sitting there in the dark listening to teenage boys make fun of some cheesy scene behind us and listening to a bunch of girls in front of us do the same. Hearing everyone gasp at the jump-out-at-you scenes and whisper to each other what they think is going to happen next. I found myself reliving that moment in D.C. and gratefully sitting back and enjoying the company as well as the show. How cool is that? To be tied to a complete stranger by a movie?

Granted, it's not as if I'll ever likely see the people I watch movies with again. but for a couple of hours we were all in sync with each other. and I find myself imagining what life would be like if we felt like this about other people all the time.