Sources of validation

I heard a few lines about this verse in Philippians the other day, referring to validation:

"We rely on what Jesus Christ has done for us and not on human effort" (3:3).

I think everyone can relate to this at one point in time or another. The need for validation comes in all shapes and forms and can mean something significant or be as insignificant as the desire to feel prideful about oneself.

It didn't really hit me until I heard this how much I rely on validation from others to mark out my worthiness. How successful I am at things, how I look, aspects about my personality, how well I do in school, how my marriage looks to other people. The list goes on. Whether as a conscious effort or unconscious, I strive to meet and exceed expectations not for the sake of meeting a goal, but for the attention and validation I receive from others who notice. For so long I've held this as my plumb line to measure my worthiness as a person and every time someone failed to notice to my hard works and natural abilities, I would sink into this hole of utter despair and confusion. Am I unnoticeable? Do I not deserve other people's attention? Why didn't that stand out, why did I not receive a compliment on that, why do people tend to forget about this and that?

Looking back I can see how my ups and downs reflected when I was praised and when I was criticized or unseen. I put all of my worthiness into the hands of those who have issues of there own, some being the very same issue. I gave my measuring stick to the very people who are fallen, like me. Why do I do that when the One who made me wants me to find validation and comfort and assuredness in Him? One who not only wants me to find those things about myself in Him but wants me to know and enjoy that fact that my worthiness needs only to be measured by God's plumb line, not my own or others.

It's interesting to see how many people have troubles with this, whether they realize it or not. I handed a philosophy paper to my dad the other day to show him the 'A' I received on it, wanting to get that validation. Only instead, I found that my need for validation revealed his need for validation as well. Instead of the praise I was waiting for, I received criticism for the little things that might have been overlooked like a grammar or spelling mistake. Instead of that praise, he persisted to claim how good he was for finding those things and other things along those lines. My heart dropped and I fell into that big opening of despair all over again.

I can't allow myself to put so much expectancy on other people to decide my worthiness, as they will never be able to truly deliver all that my heart desires. Only God can reveal to me my worthiness in Him and make my heart content at all times. If I put that expectancy on people, my entire day, week, year, life will revolve constantly around what other people think of me and all that I do. I won't be living for myself or for God, but for people. Maybe even some people I barely know. What kind of life is that?

Here's another verse that applies to this that's been on my heart this past few weeks: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man" (Psalm 118:8).

Procrastinating is way better than homework

Right now I should be studying for my exams, but I think I'll linger more on the things I'd much rather do than learning about Aristotle and Boethius. Pee you. Sometimes you need to step back from the muddle of confusing words, wrapped up in deeper meaning and enlightenment and just kick back for a few hours...

I think my mind has actually turned into mush these past few days. The words streamed off the paper into my mind and got lost in there somehow. Working their way around my brain and squeezing it until it begged for mercy. They refused to listen though and now my brain has resulted into the melt down option so that it can feel a little looser and not shut down completely. So, now I'm here, late at night, wishing I had more motivation to learn and relearn everything I've already learned so that I will do well on the exams that will be taking up my life for the next week. Trapped in this little room with windows that overlook the side of the house, revealing the beautiful things that philosophers have quandaries about. Trees frosted with fresh snow, birds flitting from branch to branch with a sky so blue and full of white fluffy clouds and the sound of the lake's waves crashing on the sand, pushing the wind along with it. Sigh. I'd much rather be out there.

Philosophy's overrated anyway.

a new perspective

Lately, I'm becoming an all-seasons-weather-lover. it's kind of like being a tree hugger but you don't have to dress like a hippie.

I don't know how it happened but one day I started seeing the good in even the worst of weather. snow storms brought on by winter were no longer meddlesome to my plans but instead an invitation to curl up with a blanket and book and relax the day away. summer thunderstorms knocked out the power but proved to be a light show of major proportions in other ways. allowing people to step away from the electronics and play charades and games by candlelight. and that's just the beginning. I could listen to rain tapping at my window all day long in the spring -- it makes me want to take a nap. which, if you know me is huge because I could not nap to save my life. I love watching the light coming from a full moon on a clear night and seeing it light up the night and cast shadows that I thought only the daytime could manage. I swear even the stars seem brighter when it's a full moon.

from snow to rain to sunshine, winter, spring to fall, I'm starting to see the beauty of variety God created for me to revel in. I hear so many people say they wish summer weather was year round and to be honest, sitting under the sun in a hammock sounds incredible, but now I see how much I would be missing out on if I were to wish the other months away.

today confirmed that for me again. I ventured out with my husband and brother into the snowy depths of my mum's backyard. wrapped up in garbage bags to act like snow pants and pushed our way through the snow that came up to our knees and made forts and snow angels and tackled each other to the ground. if it wasn't winter, and if I possessed snow pants, there would have been no need for me to parade around in the garbage bag cutouts my brother and I hysterically taped together to keep me from getting cold. sometimes you need different types of weather to make different kind of memories and let's face it... to make it fun :)

let's see a show

There's something I've come to love about going to the movies. It's not the massive amounts of popcorn you see people carrying or the buttload of germs in every chair, or even the way your feet stick to the floor when you're trying to find a seat. There's something about watching a movie with a throng of complete strangers that I absolutely love.

I first noticed it when I was in Washington D.C. on my fantastic road trip across the states. Nick and I had decided to see Julia & Julia on a night out and found this sweet little theatre tucked away from everything else. We all piled into our seats and before we knew it we were laughing and crying and holding our breath all at the same time. Half way through, I realized what was happening. We were all experiencing the movie together at the same time. Reacting the same, maybe even thinking the same. After that I stopped watching the movie and starting watching the reactions of people I had never met before. I found it so refreshing and unifying to look left and see friends giggling to each other about one scene and looking right to see an elderly couple doing the same.

There may have been times in the past where I wanted to laugh until my sides begged me to stop, but felt shy at the thought of being the only one laughing in the theatre. But that night out was an awakening of what going to the movies could really be about. I left that theatre feeling connected with everyone that was there. We spilled out of the doors all laughing and recalling our favourite scenes and hearing other people wonder the same things you were wondering throughout the whole movie.

The same thing happened this week when Nick and I went to the movies. I found myself forgetful of this earlier experience from last summer and was happy to have it grace my life once again. Sitting there in the dark listening to teenage boys make fun of some cheesy scene behind us and listening to a bunch of girls in front of us do the same. Hearing everyone gasp at the jump-out-at-you scenes and whisper to each other what they think is going to happen next. I found myself reliving that moment in D.C. and gratefully sitting back and enjoying the company as well as the show. How cool is that? To be tied to a complete stranger by a movie?

Granted, it's not as if I'll ever likely see the people I watch movies with again. but for a couple of hours we were all in sync with each other. and I find myself imagining what life would be like if we felt like this about other people all the time.

night owl

flying to england and returning jet lagged a week ago has done something wonderful to my perspective. I used to believe that I could only fall asleep late at night. my parents used to call me a night owl because of it, even as a kid. I always believed it would be a habit I would have no power to break. and so going to bed early for my husband's sake of having to wake up at 6:00am was never an option. poor guy.

but now is a different story. going to bed at 8:00pm, all thanks to wonderful time difference, and waking up at 4:30am the next morning was interestingly easy. and eventually throughout the week a new routine was formed and I am now able to fall asleep at 9:00pm at night and wake up at 6:30am. easy breezy. and once this happened consecutively I began to realize this was no fluke but a break in the norm and I had now started something beautiful. a new regime. I now know that a life outside of the night owl syndrome is possible when sought after.

and I write this now, because it is 10 o'clock at night and this is the latest I have been to bed in over a week. and on top of that, I'm waiting on my husband to lazily make his way to bed instead of the other way around. who would'a thought.

round the bend

I've lost it. that being my sanity I mean. one minute I was happily sane and the next all hilarity ensued. glorious hilarity in the form of a simply honest question regarding a sports channel my husband watches.

trust Nick to make me lose it with that sincere catch in his voice and adorable gleam in his eye. completely unaware that his very heartfelt question would lead me to laugh unstoppably for five minutes and from there laughing until my sides begged me to stop. but how was he to know I was so close to edge? just peering over, looking at the depths below and it all it took was a funny assumption to push my poor, exhausted sanity over the cliff and spiraling downwards.

so, I've cracked. turned loopy. I've gone round the bend. life has placed my sanity into a jar and tossed it away.

the seriousness stops here. I will lose my marbles for good and enjoy the feeling of freedom that comes with it.

life's about to get a little more hilarous.

a life worth living

there are times even still, where I slowly feel my life unscrewing. seems like a weird word to relate to but there it is: unscrewing. unscrewing from its natural place in the world. slowly coming apart from what naturally binds it together. unscrewing.

weird.

I usually see it coming: this strange and empty feeling. the build and tension cycle; the signs are normally always there. but this time it appeared without warning or announcing itself. a few days ago, there it was. the what am I doing feeling. but this time, it was accompanied with a... why am I doing feeling. that was different. why am I doing what I'm doing. why am I living the way I'm living. such a confusing concept really. I mean you're alive and you live but then there's being alive and really, truly living. no numbness, no insincerity, no false pretenses. just feeling alive. and I don't feel that. I feel like I start with Monday and look to Friday. and then pray the weekend draws out and then focus on getting through another week. what a horrible way to live. trying to get through life one day at a time, ticking off days on the calendar until the next exciting thing occurs so I can feel like I'm actually living.

and then it comes. and then it goes. and then I start all over again.

and the saddest part is that I feel no connection with anyone I interact with and above all, no connection with the One that made me. I feel like my ability to love life is slowly being sucked out of me. and I hate to fall back on this line but a big part of that is living here, in this place. the city does that to you. it sucks out all of the good when you're in it for too long. sure it's fun for a night or two. big lights, lots of buzz. but you're never alone. it's never quiet enough for you to think or dark enough to see a star.

I understand why people love it in the city though, I do. you never have to focus on the things that really bother you. you can escape through the easy access of entertainment and noise. never having a moment without someone else around to talk to you and never without a good signal to connect someone, somewhere. anywhere really. what a depressing thought. that people can get so wrapped up in the artifical and loose connection with the true Source. and that's what I feel has happened to me. I've lost connection. with who I am, who I was planning on being, where I was going, Who I was looking too. I got so caught up in my own ideas and thoughts of how to run things that I slowly started to lose grasp on the One that needs to be behind the wheel.

and then I act so surprised when I get to this place.

Lord, bring me back to the nearness of your heart. fill the empty spaces that are so easily filled by things that never seem to live up to their promises, as tempting as they may be. bring me back to where you had in mind for me.