Sources of validation

I heard a few lines about this verse in Philippians the other day, referring to validation:

"We rely on what Jesus Christ has done for us and not on human effort" (3:3).

I think everyone can relate to this at one point in time or another. The need for validation comes in all shapes and forms and can mean something significant or be as insignificant as the desire to feel prideful about oneself.

It didn't really hit me until I heard this how much I rely on validation from others to mark out my worthiness. How successful I am at things, how I look, aspects about my personality, how well I do in school, how my marriage looks to other people. The list goes on. Whether as a conscious effort or unconscious, I strive to meet and exceed expectations not for the sake of meeting a goal, but for the attention and validation I receive from others who notice. For so long I've held this as my plumb line to measure my worthiness as a person and every time someone failed to notice to my hard works and natural abilities, I would sink into this hole of utter despair and confusion. Am I unnoticeable? Do I not deserve other people's attention? Why didn't that stand out, why did I not receive a compliment on that, why do people tend to forget about this and that?

Looking back I can see how my ups and downs reflected when I was praised and when I was criticized or unseen. I put all of my worthiness into the hands of those who have issues of there own, some being the very same issue. I gave my measuring stick to the very people who are fallen, like me. Why do I do that when the One who made me wants me to find validation and comfort and assuredness in Him? One who not only wants me to find those things about myself in Him but wants me to know and enjoy that fact that my worthiness needs only to be measured by God's plumb line, not my own or others.

It's interesting to see how many people have troubles with this, whether they realize it or not. I handed a philosophy paper to my dad the other day to show him the 'A' I received on it, wanting to get that validation. Only instead, I found that my need for validation revealed his need for validation as well. Instead of the praise I was waiting for, I received criticism for the little things that might have been overlooked like a grammar or spelling mistake. Instead of that praise, he persisted to claim how good he was for finding those things and other things along those lines. My heart dropped and I fell into that big opening of despair all over again.

I can't allow myself to put so much expectancy on other people to decide my worthiness, as they will never be able to truly deliver all that my heart desires. Only God can reveal to me my worthiness in Him and make my heart content at all times. If I put that expectancy on people, my entire day, week, year, life will revolve constantly around what other people think of me and all that I do. I won't be living for myself or for God, but for people. Maybe even some people I barely know. What kind of life is that?

Here's another verse that applies to this that's been on my heart this past few weeks: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man" (Psalm 118:8).

Procrastinating is way better than homework

Right now I should be studying for my exams, but I think I'll linger more on the things I'd much rather do than learning about Aristotle and Boethius. Pee you. Sometimes you need to step back from the muddle of confusing words, wrapped up in deeper meaning and enlightenment and just kick back for a few hours...

I think my mind has actually turned into mush these past few days. The words streamed off the paper into my mind and got lost in there somehow. Working their way around my brain and squeezing it until it begged for mercy. They refused to listen though and now my brain has resulted into the melt down option so that it can feel a little looser and not shut down completely. So, now I'm here, late at night, wishing I had more motivation to learn and relearn everything I've already learned so that I will do well on the exams that will be taking up my life for the next week. Trapped in this little room with windows that overlook the side of the house, revealing the beautiful things that philosophers have quandaries about. Trees frosted with fresh snow, birds flitting from branch to branch with a sky so blue and full of white fluffy clouds and the sound of the lake's waves crashing on the sand, pushing the wind along with it. Sigh. I'd much rather be out there.

Philosophy's overrated anyway.

a new perspective

Lately, I'm becoming an all-seasons-weather-lover. it's kind of like being a tree hugger but you don't have to dress like a hippie.

I don't know how it happened but one day I started seeing the good in even the worst of weather. snow storms brought on by winter were no longer meddlesome to my plans but instead an invitation to curl up with a blanket and book and relax the day away. summer thunderstorms knocked out the power but proved to be a light show of major proportions in other ways. allowing people to step away from the electronics and play charades and games by candlelight. and that's just the beginning. I could listen to rain tapping at my window all day long in the spring -- it makes me want to take a nap. which, if you know me is huge because I could not nap to save my life. I love watching the light coming from a full moon on a clear night and seeing it light up the night and cast shadows that I thought only the daytime could manage. I swear even the stars seem brighter when it's a full moon.

from snow to rain to sunshine, winter, spring to fall, I'm starting to see the beauty of variety God created for me to revel in. I hear so many people say they wish summer weather was year round and to be honest, sitting under the sun in a hammock sounds incredible, but now I see how much I would be missing out on if I were to wish the other months away.

today confirmed that for me again. I ventured out with my husband and brother into the snowy depths of my mum's backyard. wrapped up in garbage bags to act like snow pants and pushed our way through the snow that came up to our knees and made forts and snow angels and tackled each other to the ground. if it wasn't winter, and if I possessed snow pants, there would have been no need for me to parade around in the garbage bag cutouts my brother and I hysterically taped together to keep me from getting cold. sometimes you need different types of weather to make different kind of memories and let's face it... to make it fun :)