I usually see it coming: this strange and empty feeling. the build and tension cycle; the signs are normally always there. but this time it appeared without warning or announcing itself. a few days ago, there it was. the what am I doing feeling. but this time, it was accompanied with a... why am I doing feeling. that was different. why am I doing what I'm doing. why am I living the way I'm living. such a confusing concept really. I mean you're alive and you live but then there's being alive and really, truly living. no numbness, no insincerity, no false pretenses. just feeling alive. and I don't feel that. I feel like I start with Monday and look to Friday. and then pray the weekend draws out and then focus on getting through another week. what a horrible way to live. trying to get through life one day at a time, ticking off days on the calendar until the next exciting thing occurs so I can feel like I'm actually living.
and then it comes. and then it goes. and then I start all over again.
and the saddest part is that I feel no connection with anyone I interact with and above all, no connection with the One that made me. I feel like my ability to love life is slowly being sucked out of me. and I hate to fall back on this line but a big part of that is living here, in this place. the city does that to you. it sucks out all of the good when you're in it for too long. sure it's fun for a night or two. big lights, lots of buzz. but you're never alone. it's never quiet enough for you to think or dark enough to see a star.
I understand why people love it in the city though, I do. you never have to focus on the things that really bother you. you can escape through the easy access of entertainment and noise. never having a moment without someone else around to talk to you and never without a good signal to connect someone, somewhere. anywhere really. what a depressing thought. that people can get so wrapped up in the artifical and loose connection with the true Source. and that's what I feel has happened to me. I've lost connection. with who I am, who I was planning on being, where I was going, Who I was looking too. I got so caught up in my own ideas and thoughts of how to run things that I slowly started to lose grasp on the One that needs to be behind the wheel.
and then I act so surprised when I get to this place.
Lord, bring me back to the nearness of your heart. fill the empty spaces that are so easily filled by things that never seem to live up to their promises, as tempting as they may be. bring me back to where you had in mind for me.