let's see a show

There's something I've come to love about going to the movies. It's not the massive amounts of popcorn you see people carrying or the buttload of germs in every chair, or even the way your feet stick to the floor when you're trying to find a seat. There's something about watching a movie with a throng of complete strangers that I absolutely love.

I first noticed it when I was in Washington D.C. on my fantastic road trip across the states. Nick and I had decided to see Julia & Julia on a night out and found this sweet little theatre tucked away from everything else. We all piled into our seats and before we knew it we were laughing and crying and holding our breath all at the same time. Half way through, I realized what was happening. We were all experiencing the movie together at the same time. Reacting the same, maybe even thinking the same. After that I stopped watching the movie and starting watching the reactions of people I had never met before. I found it so refreshing and unifying to look left and see friends giggling to each other about one scene and looking right to see an elderly couple doing the same.

There may have been times in the past where I wanted to laugh until my sides begged me to stop, but felt shy at the thought of being the only one laughing in the theatre. But that night out was an awakening of what going to the movies could really be about. I left that theatre feeling connected with everyone that was there. We spilled out of the doors all laughing and recalling our favourite scenes and hearing other people wonder the same things you were wondering throughout the whole movie.

The same thing happened this week when Nick and I went to the movies. I found myself forgetful of this earlier experience from last summer and was happy to have it grace my life once again. Sitting there in the dark listening to teenage boys make fun of some cheesy scene behind us and listening to a bunch of girls in front of us do the same. Hearing everyone gasp at the jump-out-at-you scenes and whisper to each other what they think is going to happen next. I found myself reliving that moment in D.C. and gratefully sitting back and enjoying the company as well as the show. How cool is that? To be tied to a complete stranger by a movie?

Granted, it's not as if I'll ever likely see the people I watch movies with again. but for a couple of hours we were all in sync with each other. and I find myself imagining what life would be like if we felt like this about other people all the time.

night owl

flying to england and returning jet lagged a week ago has done something wonderful to my perspective. I used to believe that I could only fall asleep late at night. my parents used to call me a night owl because of it, even as a kid. I always believed it would be a habit I would have no power to break. and so going to bed early for my husband's sake of having to wake up at 6:00am was never an option. poor guy.

but now is a different story. going to bed at 8:00pm, all thanks to wonderful time difference, and waking up at 4:30am the next morning was interestingly easy. and eventually throughout the week a new routine was formed and I am now able to fall asleep at 9:00pm at night and wake up at 6:30am. easy breezy. and once this happened consecutively I began to realize this was no fluke but a break in the norm and I had now started something beautiful. a new regime. I now know that a life outside of the night owl syndrome is possible when sought after.

and I write this now, because it is 10 o'clock at night and this is the latest I have been to bed in over a week. and on top of that, I'm waiting on my husband to lazily make his way to bed instead of the other way around. who would'a thought.

round the bend

I've lost it. that being my sanity I mean. one minute I was happily sane and the next all hilarity ensued. glorious hilarity in the form of a simply honest question regarding a sports channel my husband watches.

trust Nick to make me lose it with that sincere catch in his voice and adorable gleam in his eye. completely unaware that his very heartfelt question would lead me to laugh unstoppably for five minutes and from there laughing until my sides begged me to stop. but how was he to know I was so close to edge? just peering over, looking at the depths below and it all it took was a funny assumption to push my poor, exhausted sanity over the cliff and spiraling downwards.

so, I've cracked. turned loopy. I've gone round the bend. life has placed my sanity into a jar and tossed it away.

the seriousness stops here. I will lose my marbles for good and enjoy the feeling of freedom that comes with it.

life's about to get a little more hilarous.

a life worth living

there are times even still, where I slowly feel my life unscrewing. seems like a weird word to relate to but there it is: unscrewing. unscrewing from its natural place in the world. slowly coming apart from what naturally binds it together. unscrewing.

weird.

I usually see it coming: this strange and empty feeling. the build and tension cycle; the signs are normally always there. but this time it appeared without warning or announcing itself. a few days ago, there it was. the what am I doing feeling. but this time, it was accompanied with a... why am I doing feeling. that was different. why am I doing what I'm doing. why am I living the way I'm living. such a confusing concept really. I mean you're alive and you live but then there's being alive and really, truly living. no numbness, no insincerity, no false pretenses. just feeling alive. and I don't feel that. I feel like I start with Monday and look to Friday. and then pray the weekend draws out and then focus on getting through another week. what a horrible way to live. trying to get through life one day at a time, ticking off days on the calendar until the next exciting thing occurs so I can feel like I'm actually living.

and then it comes. and then it goes. and then I start all over again.

and the saddest part is that I feel no connection with anyone I interact with and above all, no connection with the One that made me. I feel like my ability to love life is slowly being sucked out of me. and I hate to fall back on this line but a big part of that is living here, in this place. the city does that to you. it sucks out all of the good when you're in it for too long. sure it's fun for a night or two. big lights, lots of buzz. but you're never alone. it's never quiet enough for you to think or dark enough to see a star.

I understand why people love it in the city though, I do. you never have to focus on the things that really bother you. you can escape through the easy access of entertainment and noise. never having a moment without someone else around to talk to you and never without a good signal to connect someone, somewhere. anywhere really. what a depressing thought. that people can get so wrapped up in the artifical and loose connection with the true Source. and that's what I feel has happened to me. I've lost connection. with who I am, who I was planning on being, where I was going, Who I was looking too. I got so caught up in my own ideas and thoughts of how to run things that I slowly started to lose grasp on the One that needs to be behind the wheel.

and then I act so surprised when I get to this place.

Lord, bring me back to the nearness of your heart. fill the empty spaces that are so easily filled by things that never seem to live up to their promises, as tempting as they may be. bring me back to where you had in mind for me.

winter shenanigans

there is nothing better then snow and a really big hill. and that combination just so happened to present itself to us daring adventurers yesterday. it didn't matter that some of us didn't have snowpants (me) and there were almost no crazy carpets to be found. It just took a little creativity and a whole lot of bravery to face getting soaked through and a little numb. which is exactly what we did.

after searching the garage for anything that could possibly slide down a hill, we found: 1 actual toboggan type thing, 1 long wooden sled which looked like it would break heading down anything that wasn't completely flat and 1 blow up pool toy that looked like it could fit two. happy with our finds, we piled it all up to my dad's truck and headed to the glorious hill to find about 15 little kids doing the same thing. we didn't care. we waxed up the sled with my brother's snowboarding wax and then climbed on our chosen mode of transportation and said a little prayer as we pushed each other down the hill, hoping that we wouldn't crash... especially those going down on the wooden sled. the first ride down the hill is always the most thrilling. not knowing how bumpy or smooth it is, or how fast or far you will go. and in the end the wooden sled went the furthest...despite it's uncomfortable and sometimes unpredictable way of turning you around and flipping you over... as it so happened with me and my sister. in the end, we were the loudest of all the little kids there. their parents openingly disapproving of our lack of maturity and loud screams. we did draw the line when lucy wanted to go downhill on the wooden sled standing up... despite her attempt she fell after a couple of seconds and the sled came out from underneath her.

my daring brother had to find the most interesting way to go down the hill on each piece that we brought. lying out on the blow up pool toy, going backwards downhill and pretending to be sleeping pretty much cracked us all up.

but the best moment was when Nick went down on the toboggan and had to stop himself near the bottom of the hill because a few little kids weren't watching where they were going. Nick had fully stopped right at their feet and the kids just stopped and looked at him for a second. then another second later, the kid apparently realized the danger he had almost encountered and started to make short screams as he ran up the hill away from my dear husband. so hilarous - I think we all were dying of laughter after that one. fun times.

mirror image

we walked the usual stretch that took us alongside cottages, tall trees and the glass-like lake, enjoying the beautiful weather that was hard to be found in the month of November. Sometimes talking about the things we hold dear to our hearts, other times goofing around in the leaves and then just being silent. Holding hands and taking in the scenery that is unknown to us in the city. and it was upon walking back that we came across another couple walking towards us. also holding hands and enjoying the scenery. and as the distance between us grew smaller, we were able to see how much alike we were. all of us catching each others eyes and for a split second time stilled. the moments in between passing slowly as we looked over the past and the future, a mirror image of walking stories. and then instantly the moment had stopped and we all caught ourselves, passing out "hello's" and other friendly terms that make my heart glow. and as we passed, I looked over my shoulder and watched them talk with each other, still holding hands. 

it was then that nick threw a grin at me and said, "that'll be us in 50 years." and I couldn't help but think the same thing. 

flip flops

I have a new found confession. the past little while i was digging myself a hole of denial but I've finally come to terms with my little secret and am ready to announce it to the world... I'm a flip flopper.

I didn't use to be. I used to be sure, confirmed and knowing where my life was headed. And then I left high school and didn't think all of my decisions through. Struggling to grasp at any straw that was still in sight and hoping that this would be the path that would lead me to eternal happiness. Each time I would be pumped at this discovery of figuring my life out and then half way through realized it wasn't initially what I thought it would be. Thus resulting in appearing as a flip flopper. a stereotype I've fought with all of my ability in the past two or so years but now I'm stuck at yet another cross roads. still trying to figure myself out, my life out, and still grasping at straws hoping to find something I'd love to pursue for the rest of my life and at the same time meet people's expectations of what it means to be successful.

but then I realized... I'm 20. yes, married and 20 but still... 20. why do I have to have everything figured out right now? other 20 year olds are working crappy jobs, living in little dumps and are trying to put the pieces of their life together too. so why do I have this vision of needing to have my entire life put together as soon as possible? i'm not sure. but i'm determined to shake the stress off and focus on enjoying life and going with the flow instead of trying to create a picture perfect masterpiece. 

it may be fall, but i'm going to enjoy my flip flop-ping... :D